Some of the issues involving helping your senior citizen parent or grandparent can be difficult and full of tough decisions. Seniors face unique medical and lifestyle issues that call upon them and those that love them to find solutions that they can live with. And it’s very common for senior citizens to live in denial about the effects of their advancing years and to accept the changes in the way they live that must happen for them to continue live in a safe and healthy way.
Driving is just such an issue. For most adults, the ability to drive a car is an integral part of our sense of empowerment and freedom. We seldom think of what it would be like if we couldn’t just “jump in the car and go.” But that feeling of complete freedom to go where you want and when you want is such a deep part of how we all function that it seems inconceivable to any of us to lose that mobility and freedom.
But for senior citizens, there will come a time when they will need to give up driving. The causes are many but the most common reason that calls for senior citizens to stop driving is failing eyesight. While much can be done to preserve the eyesight of senior citizens, if their ability to see becomes a hazard behind the wheel, they will have to be told that its time to let that precious freedom go.
So how do we help our senior citizen loved one accept and then cooperate with a plan to reduce or eliminate their driving? You might be surprised that when it comes time for you as the child or caregiver of a senior citizen to talk to them about giving up driving, they may have already begun to think about it. Senior citizens are very aware of their physical condition. So while they may resist giving up the car or van, they may know deep down that this time would come. Some other compelling reasons to take that step sooner rather than later are…
. Doctor’s orders. If the senior citizen’s doctor specifically directs that Grandpa cannot drive. The senior will often respect that directive even more than family advice. A doctor’s credibility goes a long way on this issue.
. Their own safety. In the same way that no senior citizen wants to “fall and not get up”, the idea of being in an accident which may cause serious injury resulting in painful recovery and possible permanent reduced freedom and mobility is a compelling reason to turn the car keys over to someone else.
. The safety of others. It’s easy to find news stories of a senior citizen who continued to drive only to be involved in an accident that caused injury or death to others, maybe even children. That prospect is so horrifying to a Grandma or Grandpa that they may choose to ground themselves then ever face that kind of guilt.
. Savings. Getting rid of the car means no more upkeep, car payments, gas expense and auto insurance. Senior citizens are penny wise so that kind of savings can make a big difference.
If your senior citizen comes to understand that accommodations can be made to help them get out and about, the loss of that car may not be a big deal. Public transportation or buses that community services centers send out to retirement villages can help senior citizens get out to the grocery store and to doctor’s appointments. And if their family pitches in to help drive Grandma or Grandpa around, not only do they lose the expense and liability of driving, they get more family time too. And that is a great incentive to give up driving and let others serve as their chauffeur.
Friday, January 16, 2009
Bringing in the New Blood
When a senior citizen finds a new romantic companion late in life, it’s a wonderful moment for both. Romances late in life can provide a much needed source of companionship and love that may be missing if the senior has lost a spouse or is going through their golden years alone. But it’s common for children of seniors to go through some anxiety when they see dad or mom enjoying the company of another romance in their lives. And getting the kids to accept your new girlfriend or boyfriend, especially if that romance is going to result in a wedding.
Part of your children’s resistance to you dating comes from anxiety about losing their parent which may be just as deep and lasting a grief as you had in losing your wife or husband. It may seem strange but often it is the children of the marriage who go through the longest grief when a parent passes on. You may have already moved along in your processing of that loss much more than they. To children, the parents are a permanent institution and the idea that one of them would go away seems inconceivable. And this feeling often survives well into adulthood.
So that is the first big adjustment your family ahs to make when they see you beginning to enjoy the company of the opposite sex. They must be assured you are not going to replace mom or dad in their hearts and that this romance will never remove the love you cherish for that departed spouse. To the children, that love must endure forever because it is the foundation of their concept of family which is a big part of their own identity as well, even though one parent may have passed away.
This is a next step in life that calls for you, the senior citizen and the wise old Grandma or Grandpa in the family mix to use some of that sensitivity and wisdom of your years to help your children and even grandchildren accept your new romance and evolve with you to a new phase of life. If you have the chance as you begin a new relationship, the time to begin the acceptance process is before that friendship becomes a romance.
By sitting down with your children and discussing that this will happen, even before it happens, you begin the acceptance process. In their minds and emotional systems, they begin to understand your need for companionship and for love and for romance. You need that as much as they do. So you explain it to them.
Then as you begin to see a romantic interest, be open with the family about what you are doing. Adult children can even get to the point that they will be your advisor and your cheerleaders as you enjoy a new era of dating and romance. Once that area of life is open, then when you do “bring home the date to meet the family” it wont be such a difficult thing.
But by keeping the adult children always in the loop, they can talk with one another, agree that this is the best possible thing for you and even work to help the grand kids accept your new romance. Before long, he or she will be able to come for dinner, join in the holidays and really become part of the family. Just as you opened your heart when your kids were dating and finding new loves, you will teach your kids to open their hearts to someone who is becoming important to you. It’s a cycle of life but if we handling it lovingly and honestly, it’s a good cycle.
Part of your children’s resistance to you dating comes from anxiety about losing their parent which may be just as deep and lasting a grief as you had in losing your wife or husband. It may seem strange but often it is the children of the marriage who go through the longest grief when a parent passes on. You may have already moved along in your processing of that loss much more than they. To children, the parents are a permanent institution and the idea that one of them would go away seems inconceivable. And this feeling often survives well into adulthood.
So that is the first big adjustment your family ahs to make when they see you beginning to enjoy the company of the opposite sex. They must be assured you are not going to replace mom or dad in their hearts and that this romance will never remove the love you cherish for that departed spouse. To the children, that love must endure forever because it is the foundation of their concept of family which is a big part of their own identity as well, even though one parent may have passed away.
This is a next step in life that calls for you, the senior citizen and the wise old Grandma or Grandpa in the family mix to use some of that sensitivity and wisdom of your years to help your children and even grandchildren accept your new romance and evolve with you to a new phase of life. If you have the chance as you begin a new relationship, the time to begin the acceptance process is before that friendship becomes a romance.
By sitting down with your children and discussing that this will happen, even before it happens, you begin the acceptance process. In their minds and emotional systems, they begin to understand your need for companionship and for love and for romance. You need that as much as they do. So you explain it to them.
Then as you begin to see a romantic interest, be open with the family about what you are doing. Adult children can even get to the point that they will be your advisor and your cheerleaders as you enjoy a new era of dating and romance. Once that area of life is open, then when you do “bring home the date to meet the family” it wont be such a difficult thing.
But by keeping the adult children always in the loop, they can talk with one another, agree that this is the best possible thing for you and even work to help the grand kids accept your new romance. Before long, he or she will be able to come for dinner, join in the holidays and really become part of the family. Just as you opened your heart when your kids were dating and finding new loves, you will teach your kids to open their hearts to someone who is becoming important to you. It’s a cycle of life but if we handling it lovingly and honestly, it’s a good cycle.
Becoming Gandalf
In the classic books, The Lord of the Rings, Gandalf was the wise old wizard that guided the heroic party through to success. While we don’t have real Gandalfs in our lives, you may be able to remember when you were young that wise elder statesman that you looked up to and revered because they were a source of wisdom and caring when you as a young person seemed to be continuously confused and afraid about what was happening to you in life.
As you enter your senior citizen years, it’s a good time to reflect on how that elder in your young life served such a valuable function of helping and guiding you. Perhaps your reason for being in the place of elder statesman in your family’s life that you too become revered and that you can serve them with wisdom, compassion and love. So the question might be, how do you fill that role and “become revered” the way the wise old Gandalf was?
You don’t have the magic that Gandalf had to help his young charges through their struggles. Perhaps the first step of becoming the wise revered elder of your family is to see yourself in that role. By creating a vision of a wise elder, perhaps using the model of who that person was in your youth, you give yourself a role to grow into. Picture situations in which you were able to be there for your family and they would turn to wise old Grandpa or Grandma and get just the right advice for the hour.
One such situation might be at Christmas. Late Christmas Eve, your grandchildren can climb up in your lap to take comfort from you being there for them. It is this kind of sweet moment where they should be able to ask Grandpa or Grandma anything that troubles them. You will want to bring the maximum amount of patience and love to that sweet time with your grandchild so he or she knows that Grandma or Grandpa is a font of endless patience and endless answers to their questions.
This is the way you become revered. The psychological results of just that short time with you can be powerful in a young life. Just knowing there is an elder in their lives who is always there, never too busy for them and with whom they can talk about anything and who will probably know the answer gives a child the confidence to face life with courage and calm. That is a wonderful gift you give to your grandchildren and its something only you can give them that is a gift even their mom and dad cannot provide.
As you fill that role, your children and their spouses too will start to see you in the role of wise old Gandalf and someone they can always turn to. When you were in the role of parent, they may have looked to your parents for that role. But now that you are stepping into the senior role, you may get late night phone calls from adult children who just need a caring ear to listen and a soft loving voice, slightly deepened with age, to just assure them that they can handle the crisis and that they will be all right.
It will take courage for you to not panic and to fill that roll of comforter and adviser but it’s a crucial role that only a grandparent can provide. But probably the most important thing you can do to become the one they turn to when they need Grandpa or Grandma is to always be there. This is harder than it seems.
A friend of mine tells of a call he got from a teenage granddaughter at three in the morning. She needed love, advice as well as emotional counseling. And as dearly as that senior citizen needed his sleep, he was there for that little girl and guided her through the crisis until she was sleeping peacefully in her bed. And why was that child able to weather a crisis in her young life? Because Grandpa was always there for her. And if you make sure that there is no situation that your kids or grandchildren cannot interrupt to come to you for help, advice or comfort, you will capture a revered place in their hearts that will be yours to keep forever.
As you enter your senior citizen years, it’s a good time to reflect on how that elder in your young life served such a valuable function of helping and guiding you. Perhaps your reason for being in the place of elder statesman in your family’s life that you too become revered and that you can serve them with wisdom, compassion and love. So the question might be, how do you fill that role and “become revered” the way the wise old Gandalf was?
You don’t have the magic that Gandalf had to help his young charges through their struggles. Perhaps the first step of becoming the wise revered elder of your family is to see yourself in that role. By creating a vision of a wise elder, perhaps using the model of who that person was in your youth, you give yourself a role to grow into. Picture situations in which you were able to be there for your family and they would turn to wise old Grandpa or Grandma and get just the right advice for the hour.
One such situation might be at Christmas. Late Christmas Eve, your grandchildren can climb up in your lap to take comfort from you being there for them. It is this kind of sweet moment where they should be able to ask Grandpa or Grandma anything that troubles them. You will want to bring the maximum amount of patience and love to that sweet time with your grandchild so he or she knows that Grandma or Grandpa is a font of endless patience and endless answers to their questions.
This is the way you become revered. The psychological results of just that short time with you can be powerful in a young life. Just knowing there is an elder in their lives who is always there, never too busy for them and with whom they can talk about anything and who will probably know the answer gives a child the confidence to face life with courage and calm. That is a wonderful gift you give to your grandchildren and its something only you can give them that is a gift even their mom and dad cannot provide.
As you fill that role, your children and their spouses too will start to see you in the role of wise old Gandalf and someone they can always turn to. When you were in the role of parent, they may have looked to your parents for that role. But now that you are stepping into the senior role, you may get late night phone calls from adult children who just need a caring ear to listen and a soft loving voice, slightly deepened with age, to just assure them that they can handle the crisis and that they will be all right.
It will take courage for you to not panic and to fill that roll of comforter and adviser but it’s a crucial role that only a grandparent can provide. But probably the most important thing you can do to become the one they turn to when they need Grandpa or Grandma is to always be there. This is harder than it seems.
A friend of mine tells of a call he got from a teenage granddaughter at three in the morning. She needed love, advice as well as emotional counseling. And as dearly as that senior citizen needed his sleep, he was there for that little girl and guided her through the crisis until she was sleeping peacefully in her bed. And why was that child able to weather a crisis in her young life? Because Grandpa was always there for her. And if you make sure that there is no situation that your kids or grandchildren cannot interrupt to come to you for help, advice or comfort, you will capture a revered place in their hearts that will be yours to keep forever.
A Time Consuming Hobby
When you are raising a family and involved in a demanding career, if someone asks you what your hobby is, you probably would answer “Who has time for a hobby?” That is why retirement and your senior citizen years are the perfect opportunity to get involved in a time consuming hobby and be able to throw yourself into it with gusto.
The purpose of a hobby is to allow you to explore an interest and even build an expertise in an facet of life that you follow for the sheer joy of learning and engaging in that activity. You have no interest in making your living at that hobby and for most of us that do build up a hobby life, to earn money at it would ruin the fun of it. You want to be able to go after that hobby at your own pace and “do it your way” without the nuisance of a boss or someone telling you that you are doing it wrong.
Many hobbies are recreational activities. Golf, bowling, pool or playing poker are such hobbies. And each of these are the kind of pastimes that require dedication to get good at them. And once you have your expertise up, you get a real gratification from competing in that sport and demonstrating that your years of devotion and the time you put into that hobby were wroth the effort.
There is just a certain satisfaction to becoming so completely lost in a hobby that time disappears and before you know it, a day can go by and you didn’t even know it. That kind of mental absorption keeps your mind sharp and functioning which is good for your health in many ways. And many hobbies are just that time consuming and just that fascinating.
If you have a flair for the technical and mechanical, Ham Radio is a hobby that seems to become a passion for those who become enthusiasts. The joy of Ham Radio is being able to communicate around the world through this private network that anyone can join. And Ham Radio operators have at times proven valuable in communications during time of national crisis when perhaps other forms of communications were not available.
To find that perfect hobby, look within at areas of fascination that you never got a chance to express and explore. If you cannot get enough of history, the civil war or the renaissance, reenactment and renaissance fairs give you the chance to all but travel back in time and enjoy the feel of being part of that era in history. If theater is your passion, dozens of local theater groups will take all the time you can give even if you don’t have an acting bone in your body. And enjoying even a simple level of involvement in the theater like putting together posters or painting sets can be just as exciting as getting out in front of an audience.
The key is to find something you love and find others who love it too. This is the great thing about hobbies. There is almost always someone out there who is just as fascinated by this field of interest and probably a whole society who are just as able to see a day or a weekend disappear becoming absorbed in their hobby. So throwing yourself into your passion also opens doors of social interaction with others who may not be senior citizens and that is refreshing.
The benefits of getting involved in a time consuming hobby are many. You do need to use some common sense and balance so you take care of your health and spend time with family and friends. But that leaves plenty of time to be obsessed with your hobby and have all the fun that this kind of pastime can bring to you.
The purpose of a hobby is to allow you to explore an interest and even build an expertise in an facet of life that you follow for the sheer joy of learning and engaging in that activity. You have no interest in making your living at that hobby and for most of us that do build up a hobby life, to earn money at it would ruin the fun of it. You want to be able to go after that hobby at your own pace and “do it your way” without the nuisance of a boss or someone telling you that you are doing it wrong.
Many hobbies are recreational activities. Golf, bowling, pool or playing poker are such hobbies. And each of these are the kind of pastimes that require dedication to get good at them. And once you have your expertise up, you get a real gratification from competing in that sport and demonstrating that your years of devotion and the time you put into that hobby were wroth the effort.
There is just a certain satisfaction to becoming so completely lost in a hobby that time disappears and before you know it, a day can go by and you didn’t even know it. That kind of mental absorption keeps your mind sharp and functioning which is good for your health in many ways. And many hobbies are just that time consuming and just that fascinating.
If you have a flair for the technical and mechanical, Ham Radio is a hobby that seems to become a passion for those who become enthusiasts. The joy of Ham Radio is being able to communicate around the world through this private network that anyone can join. And Ham Radio operators have at times proven valuable in communications during time of national crisis when perhaps other forms of communications were not available.
To find that perfect hobby, look within at areas of fascination that you never got a chance to express and explore. If you cannot get enough of history, the civil war or the renaissance, reenactment and renaissance fairs give you the chance to all but travel back in time and enjoy the feel of being part of that era in history. If theater is your passion, dozens of local theater groups will take all the time you can give even if you don’t have an acting bone in your body. And enjoying even a simple level of involvement in the theater like putting together posters or painting sets can be just as exciting as getting out in front of an audience.
The key is to find something you love and find others who love it too. This is the great thing about hobbies. There is almost always someone out there who is just as fascinated by this field of interest and probably a whole society who are just as able to see a day or a weekend disappear becoming absorbed in their hobby. So throwing yourself into your passion also opens doors of social interaction with others who may not be senior citizens and that is refreshing.
The benefits of getting involved in a time consuming hobby are many. You do need to use some common sense and balance so you take care of your health and spend time with family and friends. But that leaves plenty of time to be obsessed with your hobby and have all the fun that this kind of pastime can bring to you.
A Home for Grandma
When you have a senior parent, the concern for their ability to maintain their lifestyle can be a significant worry. Almost without exception, senior citizens resist the idea of moving out of their house and into an assisted living facility or nursing home. You as a child of a senior citizen may see issues of safety if your aging parent continues to live independently. If their spouse has passed on, there may be issues of loneliness and depression. Hallways and doors of old homes are often not built to accommodate walkers or wheelchairs. And the vision of your children’s Grandma or Grandpa falling and being unable to reach you for help is frightening. And then there is the financial side of maintaining their home and paying the mortgage if it is still active.
So the question is whether you should try to help your aging parent with moving on to an assisted care facility or if it can be worked out for them to stay in their home. There are some compelling reasons to help them stay in the house they have lived in for so long if there are ways to overcome the problems. Studies show conclusively that senior citizens that live in their own homes are happier and healthier. Your parents may have long lasting friendships in the neighborhood who provide tremendous emotional support and can look in on your parent from time to time to assure they are safe. And the ability to get out in the yard, feed the birds, keep a pet or tend a small garden has untold health benefits both mentally and physically for a senior citizen.
Steps can be taken to provide for the unique needs of a senior citizen if you want to work with them to keep them in their home. The family and friends of the senior citizen can take on the chores of upkeep of the home, yard work and repairs so the home continues to remain safe and viable as a living space. This also reduces the expenses of home ownership.
It is very likely that from a financial point of view, you can work with your senior citizen to reduce the costs of staying in their home. If they still have a mortgage, the outstanding balance may be quite low but the payment still high. By working with the mortgage company, you may be able to refinance the loan to drop the payment considerably and make it more affordable even than living in assisted care or a nursing home. You can also work with utilities companies and credit sources who may have programs to assist the elderly in owning their own home. By utilizing the resources already in place, you may be able to get your aging parents costs into a reasonable range and help them establish a budget that allow them to live comfortably on social security and whatever retirement funds they have.
You can also find home nursing care and put good technology to use to make it possible for your parent to have quality care in the home and to have the resources to be able to reach out to you in the event of an emergency. Services like these do well at providing for the needs of senior citizens so they can virtually spend the entire remainder of their years living in their home where they are happy.
The key to making all of these steps work is to enlist the partnership of your senior citizen parent. By sitting down with him or her, you can review that keeping them at home is a shared project and that they should do all they can to make this work. They will be enthusiastic to make that kind of effort and stay in the home they love so much.
So the question is whether you should try to help your aging parent with moving on to an assisted care facility or if it can be worked out for them to stay in their home. There are some compelling reasons to help them stay in the house they have lived in for so long if there are ways to overcome the problems. Studies show conclusively that senior citizens that live in their own homes are happier and healthier. Your parents may have long lasting friendships in the neighborhood who provide tremendous emotional support and can look in on your parent from time to time to assure they are safe. And the ability to get out in the yard, feed the birds, keep a pet or tend a small garden has untold health benefits both mentally and physically for a senior citizen.
Steps can be taken to provide for the unique needs of a senior citizen if you want to work with them to keep them in their home. The family and friends of the senior citizen can take on the chores of upkeep of the home, yard work and repairs so the home continues to remain safe and viable as a living space. This also reduces the expenses of home ownership.
It is very likely that from a financial point of view, you can work with your senior citizen to reduce the costs of staying in their home. If they still have a mortgage, the outstanding balance may be quite low but the payment still high. By working with the mortgage company, you may be able to refinance the loan to drop the payment considerably and make it more affordable even than living in assisted care or a nursing home. You can also work with utilities companies and credit sources who may have programs to assist the elderly in owning their own home. By utilizing the resources already in place, you may be able to get your aging parents costs into a reasonable range and help them establish a budget that allow them to live comfortably on social security and whatever retirement funds they have.
You can also find home nursing care and put good technology to use to make it possible for your parent to have quality care in the home and to have the resources to be able to reach out to you in the event of an emergency. Services like these do well at providing for the needs of senior citizens so they can virtually spend the entire remainder of their years living in their home where they are happy.
The key to making all of these steps work is to enlist the partnership of your senior citizen parent. By sitting down with him or her, you can review that keeping them at home is a shared project and that they should do all they can to make this work. They will be enthusiastic to make that kind of effort and stay in the home they love so much.
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